[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
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my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Cardio Made Easy
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking