I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?