“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.