You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota