guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
next level snooze
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
He-man has a Masters degree
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”