best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Oops
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
ibopfufen
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.