vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
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The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Air conditioning – not a fan
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
this is so top tier i cant
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!