Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
You Might Also Like
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall