Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

Vacation Summary:

I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club