My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
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[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Don’t touch that.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.