Don’t touch that.
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me and my fake scenarios
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.