[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
#Caturday
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.