@primawesome Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
@EricaLynnz If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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@primawesome 
@jwoodham FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
@Donna_McCoy Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
@TuffyNyC Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
@zachary_lampley Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
@WilliamAder I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
@UnFitz I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
@badbanana The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
@JohnHilsen When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
@subtweetopath If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.