If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

You Might Also Like


Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.


FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.


Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks


Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon


Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.


I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.


I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”


The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.


When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.


If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.