@EricaLynnz

If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

You Might Also Like

@primawesome

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

@Donna_McCoy

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

@TuffyNyC

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

@zachary_lampley

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

@WilliamAder

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

@UnFitz

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@JohnHilsen

When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.

@subtweetopath

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.