If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.