we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Story of my life…..
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
estão todos miauvindo?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!