Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
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I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The little toadstool has spoken.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.