I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
You Might Also Like
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond