At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Sunday
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.