Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
When libraries troll their patrons.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I like crazy people until they notice me
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.