Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
You Might Also Like
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.