yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]