yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember鈥r friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 馃檨
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*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13掳 weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we鈥檝e made a lot of progress here today.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I鈥檓 just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*window shutter falls off my house* we鈥檙e gonna need more command strips.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don鈥檛 touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.