*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.