Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
You Might Also Like
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.