Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Pickled cat.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]