[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.