100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The biggest mystery of our time
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.