Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
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My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT