Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Yoga Matt
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a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.