Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.