Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some