“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse