*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more