[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Still my favourite meme.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???