Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
This is my cat’s medicine.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.