@SavageDabs69

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

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@WendyLiebman

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@thetits

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@AllHailJerry

Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.

@Scottzilla667

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

@Marlebean

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

@Book_Krazy

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

@LlamaInaTux

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

@CopernicusG

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

@lisaxy424

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it