“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

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I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?


I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.


I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”


Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is


A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.


[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*


[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*


Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.


[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business