Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud