Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
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My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao