What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does