I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie