Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
It’s the weekend y’all
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.