Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.