me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
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He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them