Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
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IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.