I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Message from the dog groomers
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.