Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: