[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
how long have you had this for?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.