Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money

SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist

“When can you come in for an interview?”

ME: I’m flexible

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

3-year-old: I want more milk.

Me: What’s the magic word?

3: *enraged falcon screech*

Close enough.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?