I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
this came to me in a vision
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist