Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
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“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.