client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9