client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.