*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

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When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside


*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?


“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*


I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.


[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.


[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.


I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg


[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*


Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish


My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.