*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
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…żyje?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Great game to play with friends
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!