@FauxFawx

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

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@Brampersandon_

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

@Ochayethewu

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@PJTLynch

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

@AmishSuperModel

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

@XplodingUnicorn

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

@1followernodad

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

@KyleMcDowell86

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@mommajessiec

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.